Hi Friend,
It’s not that you don’t know what to ask for. It’s that you don’t know how to ask — and that one gap is costing you more than you realize.
I had been recruited for a position supporting the Lab Director at Pacific Northwest National Laboratory. I prepared. I interviewed. I got the offer.
The salary was exactly what I wanted.
But there was a problem.
The offer included three weeks of vacation. At the time, I already had five. After years in the profession, I wasn’t willing to give that up.
So I told the recruiter I appreciated the offer — and that I wanted to keep my five weeks.
A few days later, he called back. “Peggy, I spoke with the HR Director. It would require an exception request.”
In that moment, I had a choice.
I could have said:
Never mind. That’s too much trouble. I don’t want to ask for that.
Instead, I asked one question.
How long will that take?
A few weeks later, I got the job. I got the salary. And I got the five weeks of vacation.
Looking back, I realized something.
The recruiter never told me no. He told me what it would take.
I almost turned his obstacle into my answer.
Don’t negotiate against yourself.
Why we stop before we start
The problem usually isn’t knowing what you need. It’s knowing how to ask for it at work — and not talking yourself out of it before the conversation begins.
I don’t want to seem pushy.
I don’t want to damage the relationship.
I’m afraid they’ll say no.
I don’t know what to say.
Those aren’t weaknesses. They’re patterns.
And they show up for capable, experienced professionals all the time.
Here’s what I’ve seen after coaching hundreds of administrative professionals:
Most people don’t fail because they’re poor communicators.
They never get to the conversation. They stop themselves first.
Asking and advocating are not the same thing
Asking sounds like: Can I have…
Advocating sounds like: Here’s what I need, here’s why it matters, and here’s what I’m proposing.
One puts the decision entirely in someone else’s hands. The other invites a real conversation.
When you frame your ask around the value you bring, the outcome you’re working toward, and the problem you’re solving together, you change what kind of conversation it is. You’re not making a request. You’re making a case.
That shift is where knowing how to ask for what you need at work actually begins.
The VALUE Conversation Framework™
Before your next important conversation, ask yourself these five questions. I call it the VALUE framework. It works whether you’re preparing to ask for a raise, request professional development support, or have a workload conversation you’ve been putting off for months.
V — Value Created
Why should they listen? What value have you created, and what does this conversation protect or grow? Lead with what you bring, not what you want.
A — Aspirational Outcome
Where are you trying to go — together? What does a good outcome look like for both of you? When you frame the conversation around shared goals, you move from “I want” to “here’s where we could be.”
L — Lay Out the Ask
What, specifically, are you asking for? This is where people go vague. A clear ask is easier to say yes to than a fuzzy one.
U — Understand Together
How do you solve this as a team? What questions will you ask? When an obstacle comes up — and one usually does — stay curious rather than defensive.
E — Explore Solutions
What’s the next step? Every conversation needs a landing place, even if it’s just agreeing on when to continue the discussion.
Different conversations. Same preparation.
One conversation to start with
Think of one ask you’ve been putting off.
Maybe it’s professional development support before Q4 budget cycles close. Maybe it’s a workload conversation you’ve been circling for months. Maybe it’s asking to be included earlier in a project.
Whatever it is, don’t wait until you feel ready. Work through the five questions first and see what shifts.
Before you walk into your next difficult conversation, spend ten minutes with this workseet.
It will help you organize your thoughts, anticipate obstacles, and advocate with conrfidence instead of emotion.
Download the VALUE Conversation Framework™.
The framework you’re downloading is the one I wish I’d had before that phone call years ago.
If you want to go deeper
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t knowing what to say. It’s having someone help you think it through before you walk into the room.
If you’re ready to work through a real conversation with real stakes, that’s exactly what I do in coaching. And if your organization is planning its fall conference or professional development programs, this framework is also the foundation of one of my most requested sessions.
If you’re ready to stop putting off the conversation that could change your career,
that’s exactly the work I love doing through coaching,
speaking, and leadership development.
Speaking this season
Before I go
Leave a comment and tell me: What’s one conversation you’ve been avoiding?
I’d love to hear what’s making it difficult. Your answer may inspire a future newsletter.
With you always,
Peggy
Speaker | Bestselling Author | Empowerment Coach